Yet another Facebook upload... it's super long so no worries if you don't wanna read it =D
Ok so there is some slight sarcasm in the title... But am I the only one who wonders about all the books, commentaries, articles, and all the people talking and giving advice on relationships? Which one is right? Are any of them? Or is it all relative, and just depends on each case? I'd say that there are some points which are absolutely true about what's good and what's not, and some things that are either too small to matter or depend on the motives and the individuals involved.
First off, I would contend that those who claim to know the 7 steps to finding out exactly what s/he likes are nutjobs or salespeople. I don't think there is any kind of perfect guide, especially since people are different all over the place. Some people who claim to be Christians (not denying the claim, just saying that it is their claim and not necessarily a fact) say that it's ok to "try out" a potential partner because God doesn't want us to be unhappy in our sex for the rest of our lives. I disagree. Others say that God will bring the right one into your life as long as you trust him.
Well, fair enough I guess. God certainly wants us to be happy, and while I think that He has a plan for who, if anyone, He wants to bring together, I think He can bring us joy with any spouse. There is not ONE good Christian woman in the world, and I think that if I somehow missed the opportunity to learn to love the person God meant for me that He could bring someone else in at another time and still give both of us joy in our life together. The point (which I have taken quite a while getting to, but I think it is important to note why I believe what I do) is that God is not going to make sleeping beauty fall into my arms. I don't think He will have every one of His faithful followers find their spouse by some amazing feat, I think He will work to bring it about but allow us to take steps of faith. This is to say, we don't need to ignore members of the opposite sex or our feelings toward them. But God isn't going to treat us like babies, doing everything for us. We have to take action in our lives at some point.
This is hard for me because I saw so many dating relationships go sour from an outside perspective that I grew to dislike dating. I have never dated. I hardly ever had any desire to. I thought that dating was a good way to ruin a friendship. I still do not think that dating in the way many approach it is the best route, after all most of the time the relationships do not end well. Obviously not everyone who dates gets married, and sadly many who get married get divorced. Even within those who claim Christianity there is a divorce rate over 50%. Has marriage failed us? Is there something wrong with us? In short, yes. We are imperfect. But I believe marriage CAN be something people make work "til death do us part". The problem is the MOTIVE.
In case I'm losing you by this point, remember this is my perspective. I'm no more able to give a perfect guideline book than the televangelists or Christian magazine authors/editors. But I do think I have been given some wisdom and reasoning from God, and I feel it is good to share it. I do know that some of my opinions, especially what I'm about to share, are unpopular. But I don't think popularity is truth. I simply have to say what the Lord has put on my heart.
Motive. Why do people date? Why do they get married? The t.v. answer is of course love, but how can we say it is really love when so often it ends poorly? I think too many people are confused on what love is. Not everyone says it, but most of the time I think people date because they like someone. There's nothing wrong with liking someone, as a friend or romantically. Attraction is part of how we were made. I'd be worried if someone DIDN'T experience it. But often times people confuse it with love. If I had a dollar for every time I heard a song or t.v. show or something talk about love and say something like "I just want to be with you.", I'd be richer than Bill Gates. Think about it, the subject is "I" and the verb is "want". I want. Me. Me me me.
This seems so selfish to me. I like d.c. talk, and their way of putting it. Love is a verb. Love is not about warm feelings when we hold hands, about how happy she makes him, about how he makes her laugh, about attraction. These things are not bad. Too many times people think I am attacking these things. I'm not. I'm saying that they should not be the focus. They should not be the MOTIVE. If I get married, I certainly hope I will be attracted to my wife. I hope I can bring a smile to her face, make her laugh, bring joy to her life, etc. I wouldn't be too upset if my wife could bring joy to my life too. But if we are out to find someone who makes us happy, how can we claim selflessness and love in our relationships?
I used to think that I would just make friends, and that by loving my friends in the way that I believe my Lord and savior told me to I would eventually find a woman who loved me and I loved and that from friend love we could mature to romantic love. I don't think this is necessarily wrong, but I feel that maybe there's a little bit more to it than that. I still want my wife to be more like a best friend, someone I trust and who trusts me, someone I care for and someone who I would readily give my life for. But I think there's one other thing that might be necessary. Maybe, just maybe this is one case where it's ok to play favorites.
I try to treat all my friends equally. Being that I (shocker here) am not God, I am unable to truly love all my friends equally. But I try to keep my actions from showing favoritism. I try to sit by different people at different meals. I try to spend time with all those who I love. But maybe for someone who I feel I might be interested in pursuing romance with, maybe it's ok to let them know they hold a special place in my life. It's one thing to love many friends, but if I get married I will only have one wife to love (unless I move to Utah and go the Mormon route).
I still think that marriage is not about taking her to Olive Garden and cheap movies, about holding hands and having my heart jump into my upper respiratory cavities and all the other little quirks of attraction. I think it's about making a commitment to love and care for one person, to put them above ourselves. I think the best way to approach it is not to meet a pretty girl, ask her out and try to get to know her while putting ourselves in awkward situations and making it seem like top priority that we impress one another. Or for girls, to try to dress up, look pretty and say all the right things so the guy thinks you are perfect. I think it's easier to get to know what someone is really like when we are friends, comfortable in each other's presence but not alone trying to pretend to be perfect for them.
This is possibly the most disorganized piece of work I've ever written. It's hard trying to gather ALL the thoughts I have on the issue, all the little details, and put them into reader-friendly format. It doesn't help that I was halfway through this when something caused it to freeze and I had to start over. Then the fire alarm went off... but here I want to try to summarize so that at least you have a clear idea of what my point is. I don't think we can allow the world's model of a relationship, the self pleasing idea that we all have the right to find the perfect someone who will make us happy, I don't think we can allow that to shape our view of love. ESPECIALLY for someone who we must be committed to for life.
As Paul wrote to the Romans (12:1-2) "I beseech you therefore, brethren, by the mercies of God, that you present your bodies a living sacrifice, holy, acceptable to God, which is your reasonable service. And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is that good and acceptable and perfect will of God."
Our lives, our bodies, none of this is about us. If we seek to please ourselves, we will end up in the miserable rut so many are already in. Divorce, painful breakups, all these things that don't have to be a part of our lives. God wants to give us joy, but I think we only truly find it when we, instead of looking for it for ourselves, try to bring it to others. I think this is CRUCIAL when it comes to our romances. If we are to have working marriages, we need to allow our motive to be to love as Christ taught us to, not to find someone who will make us happy.
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